FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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