I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
