You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
