he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize