If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
