Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
