I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
