The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
