I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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