Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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