dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
