yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
