Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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