Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
