Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
