Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
we're so committed to being not committed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
