i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
