Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
