Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
