Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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