It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
