I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
