she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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