These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
