Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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