I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
