Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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