Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
