i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
