My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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