OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
