Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
