She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
