How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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