She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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