Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
