My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
