god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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