So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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