i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
