using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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