So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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