he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
