I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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