Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
