Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
