between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
