i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
