The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
