When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize